What is difficulty finding a partner?

Many people have great difficulty finding a partner. The human being is a social animal by nature, we have the innate need to be accompanied by other people and to establish social and emotional ties. This also applies to the emotional realm , which makes us have the need to love and be loved. Thus, although not all people have the same emotional needs, in general we tend to seek affection.

Having a partner is also an option that goes beyond purely emotional needs. It is to some extent a social convention, and sometimes even an instrumental solution; In this sense, couples that are formed for mere convenience are not uncommon, whether or not there is love between them. Many times these relationships are based on the fear of loneliness, economic convenience, or any other reason.

Thus, although there are exceptions, most people feel the need to establish a romantic relationship as a couple. This means that many times, when unable to find someone, some people may feel frustrated. Since this is such an intimate emotional realm, this situation can lead to great discomfort ; the inability to find a partner can be related, as a cause or consequence, to problems with self – esteem , insecurity, depression , etc.

Difficulty finding a partner is therefore a problem that affects more people than you think . There are many individuals who, in one way or another, are frustrated with the inability to find someone. However, many times this difficulty in finding a partner is due to attitudes that, consciously or unconsciously, these people develop.

For what reasons can I have difficulty finding a partner?

Paradoxically, in an increasingly interconnected world and in which we have greater facilities to meet and interact with all kinds of people, the difficulty of finding a partner is a more and more common problem. The question, therefore, does not lie in the number of people with whom we interact; It is more about how we develop those relationships, what kinds of attitudes we adopt in our social interactions.

Logically, a problem as complex as the difficulty of finding a partner does not have a single cause. There are many factors that can give rise to this situation, although they could be grouped into two broad categories. In the first place, we could identify behavioral problems, that is, related to how we behave; on the other hand, we would speak of a second category, that of emotional problems, referring to how we feel.

Behavioral problems

• Not spending time: finding a partner, like everything in life, establishing a relationship requires time and effort. It is easy to say that you have difficulty finding a partner, if you do not dedicate a minimum of effort. Going out to meet people, or frequenting environments where making friends with single people, even if it seems obvious, is a first step; Of course, what is clear is that no partner is found if we stay locked in our room.
• Lack of social skills: such as shyness or poor communication skills. An important part of seduction happens to show the world our best side; thus, those people who withdraw or avoid contact with others have a greater difficulty in finding a partner.
• Having an intolerant or inflexible attitude: This is a more frequent problem than is commonly believed. Some people have no difficulty seducing, but are unable to accept potential partners for who they are. Thus, no one wants to be with a rigid partner who tells them what to do or how to act.
• Have a distrustful attitude: either because of your own personality or because of previous experiences. Starting a relationship always means discovering what a person is like, and we can be right with our assumptions or not. Either way, it is an inescapable risk; If you think that everything will go wrong or that you are going to be cheated on, you may never be able to be in a relationship.
• Having wrong beliefs about what love is: Sometimes we just have unrealistic expectations. It is not logical to expect your partner to be perfect, nor can you live in a state of continuous infatuation. Romantic relationships, like any human interaction, also involve disappointment and suffering, and you have to be mature enough to accept it.

Emotional problems

• Low self-esteem: many times, the difficulty in finding a partner arises because we do not even feel worthy of it. It’s hard to find someone who loves you if you don’t love yourself first. In fact, many times people with low self-esteem look for individuals who do not value them as a partner; in this way, their personal self-image is reinforced.
• Fears and insecurities:  they can be of all kinds. Fear of failure, deception, suffering, commitment or maturing and assuming responsibilities, for example. Either way, these thoughts only reinforce the need to isolate yourself from other people, for fear of being hurt. Starting a relationship is entering unfamiliar terrain, so it is imperative to overcome these fears.
• Limiting beliefs: other times, we put the barriers to ourselves with our own mental schemes. Believing that we are too old to find a partner, feeling physically unattractive, or thinking that we bore people, are just some of the beliefs that we often impose on ourselves without realizing it.
• Selfish love: Sometimes the desire to have a partner is driven solely by a need for personal satisfaction. Some people try with their partner to fill other gaps in their life, such as loneliness or sexuality. However, this is not a sincere love, moved by disinterested affection towards the other. These individuals often have short relationships and are abandoned.
• Little tolerance for frustration: it occurs in those people who cannot bear that things do not turn out as they wish. This can happen as a result of a love disappointment , which is why they stop looking for a partner; or else as a consequence of the couple not acting as they wish, in which case they abandon it. Be that as it may, these individuals often have significant difficulties in finding a partner.

How do you know if the difficulty in finding a partner is becoming a problem?

All people are without a partner at one point or another in their life; Throughout the years, we go through different stages, sometimes alone and sometimes accompanied. Being without a partner is therefore normal and, for many people, even desired. The problem occurs when this circumstance makes us feel bad, suffer or lower our self-esteem.

Obviously, the need to not be alone is more pressing in some stages than in others; in youth or adulthood, for example, having a partner almost seems to be a social demand. In adolescence or old age, however, being single seems much more common. However, the truly critical factor is the need that each person feels to establish a romantic relationship.

In this sense, we would talk about how difficulty finding a partner can become a problem when a series of symptoms or negative behaviors are manifested, such as:

• Depression: it is a frequent problem of people who want to have a relationship and do not get it. This often affects their mood, generating sadness and discomfort. When this situation continues for a long time, it can lead to authentic depressive states.
• Insecurity: it is also one of the frequent consequences of difficulty finding a partner. This situation can lead to a loss of confidence in one’s own abilities, generating a distorted self-image. Thus, people in this situation are often perceived as less attractive, interesting, or charismatic.
• Low self-esteem: it is closely related to the previous point, although it is more serious. While insecurity involves doubting yourself, low self-esteem could be defined as not loving yourself. This problem not only makes those who suffer from it suffer, but also aggravates the difficulty in finding a partner.

Are there different types of difficulty finding a partner?

As we have seen previously, the difficulty in finding a partner can be produced by multiple causes. However, there are interesting theories about this. A well-known author is the American Robert Dilts; It is one of the biggest drivers of Neuro Linguistic Programming . Although NLP has been accredited as lacking a scientific basis, some of its postulates are interesting.

Thus, according to Dilts, there are three types of limiting beliefs that can condition people in their search for a partner:

Hopeless beliefs

This type of belief is associated with the conviction that it is not possible to achieve a goal to which we aspire. The reasoning here would be that, although we fervently want to find a partner, this cannot be due to external factors; it would be the case, for example, of those cases in which we think that there are no attractive single people left, since they are all “caught”, or that “nobody wants to commit to serious relationships”.

The difficulty, therefore, is not so much in the lack of one’s own abilities but in elements alien to oneself. This leads people who think like this to give up before their time. Thus, from his point of view, no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to find a partner; after all, this difficulty that “does not depend on me” and, consequently, cannot be avoided.

Impotence beliefs

The beliefs of impotence differ from the previous ones in that in this case they depend on oneself. In this case, there is an achievable goal but that “I am not able to achieve.” This means that “I am not skilled enough to achieve my goals”, or that “I am not good enough”.

This is closely related to insecurity, as the mindset is similar. People with these beliefs think that they do not find a partner for various reasons; An example of this would be to believe that you are not attractive enough, that you are fat, or you are too old. This produces a vicious cycle, as these people really seem more insecure and are less attractive to people.

Beliefs of lack of merit

Finally, these beliefs are related to low self-esteem, so they are very common. In this case, the limitation comes not from external or own reasons, but from feeling worthy of something good. Thus, the goal is achievable and it is believed to have the necessary skills to do so, but it is renounced to reach that goal because it is thought that “I do not deserve it.”

Although these types of beliefs are very common, they are difficult to detect since they do not usually manifest themselves openly. Those who have these thoughts believe that they will not find anyone, since they do not deserve to be loved. These are people who often think things like “I’m a fraud” or “I don’t deserve to be happy.”

How can you improve the difficulty of finding a partner?

Many times the fact of not finding a partner has an easy solution; For this, it may be enough simply to train and improve social skills , learning how to relate to other people. The first step in this sense is to meet people, from which you have to know how to choose appropriately. Once you have identified the right person, you just have to learn how to seduce, attract and keep them.

Curiously, the difficulty in finding a partner in most cases comes from one’s own limitations; Whether due to lack of skills or personal insecurity, it is a problem that can almost always be solved. Furthermore, this solution does not necessarily imply the need to find a partner. In fact, sometimes it can be better to stay without a relationship, but learn to control our emotions about it. Here, the key would be that the absence of a stable partner does not make us unhappy.

If you want to find a partner, it may be wise to seek professional advice from an experienced psychologist . This will help us to become aware of our beliefs, to improve our esteem and to work on personal skills. Little by little, we can improve our self-esteem and eliminate many of the insecurities that make it difficult for us to relate to others. In addition, the fear of rejection will be relativized , which is one of the elements that most conditions us when looking for someone with whom to establish a sentimental relationship.

Ody Team

Ody Team is a qualified social media expert at Coding The Line, London. He had graduated from the University of Cambridge